Who Are You?
by DebraJay
Summary: *****STORY DELETED*****Olivia Cordukes had been living in a fragile state for years. Her life torn apart at an early age, she has never been able to love, to let go, to move on. Will this broken Detective ever make peace with her horrific past? Is Don Flack the one to help her? Don/OC *TBC at Wattpad* USER: DebraJay
1. The Standoff

**CSI:NY**

Who Are You?

**Part 1**

**Connection**

_(N: _the vehicle timed to connect with another)

The Standoff

Sitting behind his desk Mac Taylor quietly watched the display before him. In the three months since Olivia Cordukes had arrived from Boston to work on his team he had never seen her so wound up over a case. But he had been expecting it. Prowling his office floor she reminded him of a caged animal waiting for it's next meal.

"Olivia, I think you should take stock and try to calm down," he gently advised. Her head spun round, dark red curls bobbing wildly around rigid shoulders, as green eyes landed on him. In spite of what he knew about her Mac was taken aback by the anger he saw in her marble-hard gaze. Even if only for a second.

"He's going to get off and we both know it. He kept that little girl locked in a closet for _two months_; he abused her in every sick way you could imagine. Then he ends her suffering by taking a knife to her throat, and he's going to get away with all of _that_ because of a damn _technicality_?" she raged. "Because he's criminally _insane_?"

"You know the law as well as I do, we did all we could," Mac told her.

"No." She shook her head vehemently. "We didn't. Because that piece of scum would be on Death Row instead of warm and safe in his own padded room, and Emily Graham's family would have the justice they deserve."

Many a grown man would have cowered under the harsh steeliness of the look she was sending his way. Not Mac Taylor. Many of his other CSIs wouldn't have even thought of speaking to him this way let alone actually do it. Not Olivia Cordukes. But then, hadn't her headstrong attitude been one of the main reasons he had chosen her to be a part of his team? She had been hovering on the brink of suspension from the Boston Crime Lab because of her unusual ethics when it came to handling delicate cases, her confrontations with co-workers and the inclination that made her unable to let something go.

Detective Derek Sanders head of the Boston CSI had warned Mac that she was unstable, a loaded gun likely to go off at any moment. Over the last three months Mac had been keeping a close eye on his newest team member and had come to the conclusion that Olivia Cordukes wasn't difficult, she was misunderstood. A workaholic who could be found around the lab at all hours of the day and night - not too unlike himself in that respect - which led Mac to the assumption she was most likely insomniac and probably a little anti-social, too. She could be abrasive and somewhat aggressive, but then he hadn't hired her for her sunny disposition. But what she also was was thorough. She had an excellent eye and her attention to detail had been the mainstay behind Mac's reason to hire her. When she worked a case she gave it her all. And the last few weeks she had worked the Emily Graham case giving it nothing less than just that. So to be told that the case was going to be closed due to a lack of insufficient evidence, Mac could perfectly relate to her frustration.

Despite the departments and Chief Brigham Sinclair's concerns over her being a risk to the lab, Mac had gone ahead and hired her anyway. Before Sinclair came into office, Chief Highborne had been in charge and he had expressed his concerns over another hiring of one of Mac's handpicked risks, Danny Messer. Aside from the subway incident when Danny had mistaken a cop for a shooter and taken fire, the snarky CSI was still one of the best Mac ever had on his team, and he had never regretted hiring him. So far, apart from the odd run-in with her co-workers – ironically, mostly Danny - things had run pretty much smoothly.

"You can't make this case personal," Mac cautioned.

"Meaning what, exactly?" she replied, her tone clipped.

"I understand how easy it is to become affected by these types of cases."

"So why put me on them?" Olivia shrugged.

"If I took the past of every one of my CSI's into consideration before I assigned cases, we wouldn't get much work done."

"So this is about my past," Olivia bit out. She gave her head a shake and turned away. Cases where children were involved always brought back unwanted memories of her own horrific past. She had always struggled with the pain of those recollections. Crawling into bed most nights with a bottle of vodka helped to blot them all out. But no amount of booze stopped the night terrors that often woke her, sweating and crying.

Olivia had been living in a fragile state for years. She was constantly on the edge of a breakdown. Struggling to let go of the past and embrace the future. Her work as a crime scene investigator wouldn't allow her to do that. Some might say why choose a career where you were reminded constantly, others might argue it could be loosely termed as therapy. Olivia had known from a young age that forensics was her calling. The murder of her brother and sister at the hands of their mother's abusive husband had made her even more determined to succeed in her chosen career. Her burning need to know everything, to find the evidence that would put another monster behind bars, had taken over her life. For each one she did, she got another piece of that shattered life back.

Mac's blue eyes watched her every move, every emotion, waiting to see what she would do next. Before joining the force Mac Taylor had been an officer in the Marine Corps. They were well trained, ever watchful, ever attentive and very controlled. Olivia supposed that played an important part as to why in the three months she'd been at the New York Crime Lab she had never seen him lose it with a suspect, no matter how bad the case - not once. He kept his emotions intact, his Marine training had taught him well. Olivia wished she could be as detached. But that wasn't to say that when he was alone that he didn't mull things over. There were many things she didn't know about Mac Taylor. She couldn't deny being her usual curious self at what went on behind those eyes. What horrors he must have seen, during both his time as a Marine and a CSI. She would never readily admit it, but she admired and respected him, and knowing he had given her a chance when others had wrote her off, had made her fiercely determined never to let him down. She wondered if that was what she were doing right now. But she couldn't help how she felt. And she couldn't let it go.

"She was a baby, Mac. Six years old," she implored. In a sense, she was asking for an absolution and she knew she was asking the wrong person for it, but Mac was there and for that moment, she felt connected to him in this.

"I know," he said, understanding. "But it's over, Olivia. Our job is done. You can't let it go on."

"You're telling me to give up."

"I'm telling you the case is closed. Don't look for any more evidence than we already found. It isn't there."

"I'm never going to stop looking and I'll never give up. The day I do - I won't be doing this job anymore. One of the reasons I do this work is because I want to make a difference."

"And you do," Mac said. "You can't underestimate what you've achieved on this case. Just as you can't underestimate bringing Emily Graham's family justice."

"Because justice is blind and the evidence speaks for itself," she said bitingly. Mac looked at her, an emotion playing across his face that she couldn't quite comprehend.

"There comes a point when you have to realize that you've done all you can," he said. "You can't take on the weight of the world."

"No, but I can give it a damn good try," she replied. She turned and made for the door.

"Olivia."

"I have some processing - "

"It can wait," he said sternly. "I hadn't finished."

She turned back. Mac inwardly sighed at the resistance and frustration he read in her face. He understood her driven need to get justice for victims and their families. In all his years as a CSI he had never stopped looking, but he knew when to give up. _Everything is connected_ that was Mac's motto. But that didn't necessarily mean it would bring the clues and evidence that every CSI hoped for.

"We're scientists. We search for evidence and we process it. Whatever comes next is out of our hands," he reminded.

"And the evidence is all there," Olivia protested. "Stella and I found it. I don't understand how any court in this state can not look at all the evidence against Peter Hamill and still let him go."

She couldn't let it go. This was the exact reason Sanders had been on the verge of booting her out of Boston. Mac didn't want to do that. It wasn't what was best. Or what she needed. It wouldn't do anyone any good, least of all Olivia. He wanted to help her, but he knew she had to want it.

"I think you should see someone," he suggested. "Talk to someone."

A hiss of breath escaped her lips and she briefly closed her eyes. Sanders had tried this tactic on her. When she had refused point blank to have her life dissected by some shrink that had been when the decision to suspend her had come about. "I don't need - "

"I think you do," Mac cut in, watching the many different emotions play over her face. "I'll arrange it. Let you know dates, times."

"And if I refuse?" she argued.

"I hope you won't."

"This is ridiculous! Where does talking get you when all you have are bad memories and a bottle of vodka for company?" she said bitingly.

Mac couldn't remember there ever being any mention in Olivia's case file about a drink problem. He made a mental note to look it over again and maybe give Derek Sanders a call later. Olivia shook her head, realising she had said too much. It would only give him better cause to insist she see someone.

"I hired you, Olivia, because you're a damn good CSI," Mac told her. "But your personal life is holding you back and your obvious inability to talk about those problems are the exact reason why you haven't been on the promotion grid for two years. I want you on my team and I'd like to see you gain elevation to second grade. The only way to ensure that is by closure. Coming to terms with your past and letting go."

Olivia sighed restlessly, raking a hand through her hair. "I'll never come to terms with it. And I don't need to talk to someone - "

"I wasn't done talking," he cut her off. The tone of his voice and the rigid look on his face made Olivia clamp her mouth shut. He was, after all, her supervisor. "You have the makings to becoming an excellent first-grade detective. Now while Sanders and the Boston Crime Lab were quick to write you off as a risk, I have no intention of doing that. I'd like you to prove all the non-believers wrong. I'll arrange for you to meet with someone."

"Because you think it'll help me be a better CSI?" she said with much sarcasm. She couldn't help herself. It was, after all, what Sanders had thought.

"Because I think it'll help you find yourself," Mac amended. A tiny frown formed in the center of her forehead. It made him wonder, and he was mildly surprised when she didn't come back with anything. She just stood there looking stunned, almost. Like he had just offered the world on a plate or said the unexpected. He realised he had done just that. Nobody had cared before. Nobody had taken the time to try and reach her, because nobody had bothered to make the time to understand her. As a person - not just a CSI.

Olivia lowered her eyes from the intensity of Mac's stare. She hated when someone looked at her that way. As if they could see right inside her, read her mind and know exactly what she was feeling. She could only nod at him, because she found when she swallowed that her mouth was dry.

"Does that mean you'll consider it?" Mac asked.

This time when she met his eyes she saw understanding and compassion. The understanding she could cope with, the compassion only made her want to fight back. She didn't want pity, damnit. Hell, maybe she did need to see a therapist.

"Let me know when," she said quietly.

"I will." He gestured to the door. "Now you can go get on with your processing," he said and she turned and left his office, passing Stella Bonasera who was on her way in. The veteran detective smiled at her, and Olivia could only manage a small, shaky smile in return.

Stella rapped once on Mac's office door and then went inside. "Hey," she greeted. He was sitting behind his desk, elbows on the armrests of the chair, fingers steepled, looking deep in thought.

"Stella. Come in," he said somewhat absentmindedly.

"I'm in."

He realised in she was and gave her a quick smile. "What can I do for you?"

"Is everything okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Uhuh," Stella said with a knowing nod, shaking her finger at him. "That response right there. Answering a question with a question."

"You know me too well," he said.

"Is it Olivia?"

"Olivia?"

Stella playfully grinned. "Okay, can we table the question for a question thing? Because this could go on a while and I have a crime scene to be at."

"Sorry,' Mac smiled apologetically. "Go on."

"I just passed her on the way in. She looked pissed. I come in here and find you looking just as."

"I'm not pissed, Stella. I was simply trying to give some advice, get her to open up a little."

"How'd that pan out?"

"Didn't exactly backfire," he said sounding hopeful. He waited a beat. "What do you make of her?"

Stella shrugged then folded her arms. "She's a tough cookie, a dedicated CSI. I discovered that much working the Emily Graham case with her. She can spot a white hair on a white carpet a mile off. Beats me why she hasn't been promoted by now. Mind you, her attitude could be worked on, as could her interaction with her co-workers. She can be somewhat standoffish, abrasive...although I've never had any problems with her."

Mac nodded thoughtfully. "But all in all...?"

"She's an asset to the lab and when you hired her I think it was the right thing to do." Stella paused, tilting her head to one side as she looked at him. "Isn't that what you want to hear? That you didn't make a mistake in hiring her?"

"What I want to hear is the truth."

"And the truth is she's good at what she does. She can get a little passionate at times, but who can't? Is this another Danny moment?"

Mac smiled. Stella knew him only too well. They had been partners for over ten years. There wasn't much neither knew about the other, making it almost impossible to hide anything. Which was probably why they worked so well together. "I was right to hire Danny. No matter what anyone said."

"And Olivia?"

"I hope to be proved right."

"You have doubts," she stated.

"I have...concerns," he amended.

"Maybe you need me to grab you a dictionary, Mac, but isn't that the same thing?" She was smiling at him and he couldn't stop from smiling back.

"All right, all right. Thing is...how can you expect someone to let go of their past so easily? Especially when it was bad."

Stella nodded. She gave him that look, the one that he didn't need any spoken words to understand the meaning behind.

"We're not talking about me," he said quietly.

"No, but surely to give advice you have to be capable of taking heed yourself."

A shadow of a smile crossed Mac's features. They weren't Mac and Stella, partners for the last ten years for nothing. She always saw through his facade and managed to read what was on his mind, sometimes even before he'd consciously realized it himself. But his personal stuff wasn't the issue right now.

"I've suggested she talk to someone," he said.

Stella knew that Olivia had personal problems and that her past had been pretty horrific. She didn't know all the details and because of employee confidentiality she respected Mac not telling her, but Stella wasn't daft, she knew how affected Olivia could get when working a child case. She had put two and two together.

"And?" she inquired.

"I think she'll be okay. The first step is always the hardest, right?"

Stella smiled slowly. "Mac Taylor, you're a damn law unto yourself."

He fought back a smile and scraped his teeth over his bottom lip like he always did, before turning his concentration to some papers on his desk. "Did you say something about a crime scene to process? And you still haven't told me what you came in here for."

"Topic shift duly noted, you're the boss," Stella nodded. "I wondered if maybe you wanted me to bring Olivia in on this one. Shooting. Possible homicide in Upper Manhattan."

"Children involved?"

There was the look again. Stella sighed sympathetically. "Mac, far be it from me to tell you how to handle the girl - "

"You'd never dream of such a thing," Mac said with a faint grin.

"Yeah, yeah," she said good-naturedly. But her demeanour quickly turned more serious. "You can't baby her, Mac. She's a grown woman. The only way for her to let go of her past is by first facing up to it. You have to let her find her own way. As hard as that is. I know the Emily Graham case was tragic and especially tough - "

"She worked hard on that one," Mac mused.

"Like I said, she's dedicated. It sounds crazy, but sometimes throwing yourself into the lion pit is exactly what you need to help you move on."

"Even if it might kill you?"

Stella sighed. "Don't handle her with kid gloves. First and foremost she's a detective."

"Child abuse cases are tough on her, Stella."

"They're tough on everyone. But you can't keep doing this. You're not doing her any favors by picking and choosing cases for her. She looks up to you, Mac. Don't let her down."

He knew Stella was right. By only giving Olivia cases that he knew she could cope with wasn't helping the problem. He was only contributing to her inability to face up to her past demons. She could end up worse off that way. He met his partner's brown-eyed gaze and slowly nodded. "Too many people have been guilty of doing just that. I have no intention of letting her down, Stella."

"Glad to hear it," Stella said. "Because take away all the bad stuff and that girl has potential."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** _If you've taken the time to read this - Thank You!_ ^^

_This story is set around Season 3 (Peyton Driscoll is still around (although she and Mac are NOT a couple) Jess Angell makes an appearance, Danny & Lindsay are NOT a couple (just flirting with the idea) and just for the sheer hell of it (and because I loved him and hated what they did to him in Season 5) Marty Pino will be making a brief appearance! _

_The story will be in 5 parts. Each part will herald a significant point in the main character's life and her progression forward. The story will contain many chapters - so it's going to be an epic!_

_But...should I continue? If so, please review - good and bad - I accept all forms of criticism!_


	2. AUTHOR'S NOTE AUGUST 2014

If anyone wants to keep up-to-date with any of my fanfics you can find me over at Wattpad.

Just type DJWylam into the search engine and you'll find me.

Thanks again for all the support.

- DJ


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